Bravery
"He told them that they must live their most creative lives as a means of fighting back against the ruthless furnace of this world.
Most of all, though, he asked his students to be brave. Without bravery, he instructed, they would never be able to realize the vaulting scope of their own capacities.
Without bravery, their lives would remain small - far smaller than they probably wanted their lives to be.”
~Jack Gilbert via Elizabeth Gilbert in Big Magic
This time last year, I was preparing myself to attend a retreat. Truth be told, it was the first time I had ever signed up for a multi-day retreat with strangers (at 39 years old, an avid traveler, and a huge extrovert, this was mind boggling even to me). I had been dreaming of retreats. I was also still feeling extreme burnout. I sought out some recommendations, and I ultimately I signed myself up to go stay on the beautiful Oregon Coast in a shared space with 8 people I had never met. Since I had a very high recommendation of the retreat and the host from a dear friend, there were no fears or nerves. COVID protocols were followed, and my friend had a very high bar. The experience turned out to be one of the most nourishing and transformative of my life on many levels.
During this retreat, I discovered the book Big Magic, Creative Living Beyond Fear written by Elizabeth Gilbert (I am just now realizing how fitting it was that I found a book by the author of Eat, Pray, Love on my first ever retreat). I borrowed it to read during breaks and at night. I became so enamored with the parallels of what was stirring in my own head that I excitedly shared ah-ha moments and insights with the retreat host. The day we left, she wrote a personal message inside and gave me the book as a gift. The Jack Gilbert quote above is the one I come back to over and over again. In particular, this:
“Without bravery, he instructed, they would never be able to realize the vaulting scope of their own capacities.”
When I read that, I am pretty sure I shouted “YESSSSS!” – hands up, Oprah style.
This was the message my body and my soul had been SHOUTING at me, through pain, through stress, through career disappointments and financial stress. There were now words to accompany these sensations.
Many people in my life have told me that I am brave, or that I have courage. Sure, I definitely needed courage to take a mental health leave of absence from work (pre-pandemic, before more widespread acceptance and acknowledgment of the necessity). I do tend to ask the important questions others seem reluctant to ask. So, in a few select instances I could agree and graciously accept the compliment, knowing that I may have given someone else the courage to do a hard thing or take on a challenge. More often, however, like a true sufferer of imposter syndrome I felt like a complete fraud. In actuality, every day I was feeling less and less brave or courageous. I knew I was not fulfilling my purpose or mission in life. In many ways I was simply following protocol…
Get good grades > attend competitive college > 2 degrees for good measure > great job at well known company > prestigious graduate school > 2 more degrees for proof I was good enough > good job at well known company > House + Husband + Dog + Subaru (‘cuz PNW)
Looks great, right? How could I POSSIBLY feel like my life felt smaller than I wanted it to be.
Turns out, I had an inner knowing that “protocol” was not supposed to be MY path. I completely internalized the mantra that Black Americans must work twice as hard to get half as far, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Before outrage occurs let me be clear, I do believe the phrase to still be fact in America in 2023 because of overwhelming and long standing systems of oppression. I also believe that there are many more folks in the United States and globally that have worked hard to be among the financially wealthy and privileged because we did not have the privilege of creating our own protocol. But that is changing.
Turns out, I am more creative and creator than maintainer, and my path had always slightly deviated from protocol. I finally realized I would need to truly tap into my bravery and my faith. I knew I had capacity to live and give more abundantly if I could step more courageously toward the pulling of my purpose.
Do you have an inner knowing? Is there a message from God or another deity, or the universe, or astrologers, or some signs from your spirit guides, or maybe a handful of concrete data that says “nope, this is NOT the totality of your impact and purpose on this planet”?
Do you have the Made for TV guy in your ear saying “but wait, there’s more!”
Be still. Listen.
Do you know anyone who has been following protocol only to feel completely unfulfilled?
Someone who feels stuck because they do not know how to navigate away from protocol? Or someone who maybe never had the opportunity to imagine the scope of their own capacity?
I believe there are a lot of us who are brave enough to act on the belief that we can live and give more abundantly. Let’s do this together.
Send me an email or leave a comment. I love to receive your thoughts. Let’s have a conversation.
Be well,
💛 CKO